One of the things this past month of challenges pointed out to me was that I’ve gotten out of the habit of doing nice things for myself. When I was younger, the makeup, hair and nails stuff may have felt more relevant to me. I did realize, however, that there is a definite component of not feeling good enough to have a nice haircut of wear pretty cloths. I have been just sticking my hair in a pony tail or pulling it back with hair clips and the comfortable clothes I’ve been wearing have an aspect of hiding in them.
When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat that doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me,
And I shall spend my pension
on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals,
and say we’ve no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired,
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells,
And run my stick along the public railings,
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people’s gardens,
And learn to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat,
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go,
Or only bread and pickle for a week,
And hoard pens and pencils and beer mats
and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry,
And pay our rent and not swear in the street,
And set a good example for the children.
We will have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me
are not too shocked and surprised,
When suddenly I am old
and start to wear purple!
Maybe I’m not old enough yet to embrace all of that – but there is a part of me that wants to be a little more flamboyant. To wear the jewel tones and not apologize for being too large or not pretty. As ALKD pointed out, I have a lot of clothes in my closet that don’t fit or don’t flatter me or I don’t feel good wearing. So, one goal is to go through my closet again and start giving away stuff that I’m not going to wear again. When I lost all that weight, I went on a buying spree and bought a lot of inexpensive shirts (in the $5 – $15 range at Walmart) and really, many of them didn’t end up being something I liked. I’ve given away a lot already but there remains many that I probably won’t wear again or just didn’t suit me. I may pack away a few things that I like but get them out of my closet so they aren’t hanging there mocking me. In addition, while it won’t be every week or even every month, I will continue my search to find clothes that I like, that are a little more – what? A little less hiding.
I need to get my hair cut – but that’s another expense. Still, even if I just got the ends trimmed that would be good for my poor fragile, fine, thinning, curly hair. But I’d like to go further than that and try something different. And perhaps now that it’s not so hot, I’ll do a little more makeup now and then. At least do my eyes. There’s no expense there and my eyes are my favorite feature so it is nice to go to a little more effort with them.
Getting out of the house has become a real issue for me, especially going somewhere new. I’d like to set a weekly adventure (thanks ALKD!) to do something fun or go somewhere new. It’s a little challenging down here because everything requires a drive or might be difficult from a mobility standpoint. But there are other things I could do, I think, and I like the idea of doing something creative or crafty. There is a whole storeroom of crafting stuff upstairs and I have a painting kit that I bought for my dad but it turned out to be too complicated for him. And I like cooking. It’s been my goal all summer to cook more and try new things – unfortunately not many of them have been worth putting up on Chickens and Eggs. I’d also like to try some different things that I will have to buy online. Another expense but one I think I can work into my budget now and then.
And the other thing that belongs in this category is working on the way I think. I don’t believe in affirmations but I do have this litany of negative thoughts that is sometimes even constant in my head. I want to more actively challenge those thoughts and work to stop them. I’m not going to suddenly start believing I’m beautiful – but I have pretty eyes. And I’m smart. Plus I have a good sense of humor.
So this week…
- I was really moved by the Unapologetic Posse. It seems like that website is not being updated but I am still going to grab the assignment to stop the fat talk. “Can you go a day without talking about your weight or using deprecating language in reference to your body?” I have this almost constant voice in my head telling me how fat and ugly I am and I’d really like to silence that voice. I think this will be an ongoing challenge for me. One day at a time.
- Start going through my closet and culling out what I’m not going to wear again.
- Pick something creative to do. Look upstairs and see what is in Mom’s closet. Sort through the recipes I have that I want to try. I particularly want to make soups and stews to freeze so perhaps pick one of them to try this week.