So last night I was having a bit of a pout. Or, more precisely, a major pity party. I felt alone and ignored and foolish. I wrote a long and probably too much post which, while therapeutic for me was not interesting or was too something else. And I wanted to walk away from everything because, dammit, I reached out. And fell down.
I thought that telling stories from my life would help me turn from the gloomy stuff and it has not. I start writing on one thing and finish in some place of sadness. Probably it’s just too soon.
This morning, I could look at last night more objectively and I saw that old desperate need for approval and validation. Do I really need approval that badly? Still? And if so, is blogging the way to get it? Is that fair to the handful of people that drop by this little blog? No. That kind of neediness just drives people away (whether in real life or on the web). And it’s not where I am anymore. It’s more like old ghosts. Perhaps just a temporary weakness.
So, I’ve decided to let go of NaBloPoMo this year. It’s not healthy for me. It’s been a tough year or so and I can’t fast forward through that, yet I’m also pretty tired of writing about it. And I really cannot go back to desperately needing approval and validation from outside sources. All I can think to do right now is to take a deep breath and try to find my center again.
Not sure how the blog fits into that.