a bit of a pout

pout

So last night I was having a bit of a pout. Or, more precisely, a major pity party. I felt alone and ignored and foolish. I wrote a long and probably too much post which, while therapeutic for me was not interesting or was too something else. And I wanted to walk away from everything because, dammit, I reached out. And fell down.

I thought that telling stories from my life would help me turn from the gloomy stuff and it has not. I start writing on one thing and finish in some place of sadness. Probably it’s just too soon.

This morning, I could look at last night more objectively and I saw that old desperate need for approval and validation. Do I really need approval that badly? Still? And if so, is blogging the way to get it? Is that fair to the handful of people that drop by this little blog? No. That kind of neediness just drives people away (whether in real life or on the web). And it’s not where I am anymore. It’s more like old ghosts. Perhaps just a temporary weakness.

So, I’ve decided to let go of NaBloPoMo this year. It’s not healthy for me. It’s been a tough year or so and I can’t fast forward through that, yet I’m also pretty tired of writing about it. And I really cannot go back to desperately needing approval and validation from outside sources. All I can think to do right now is to take a deep breath and try to find my center again.

Not sure how the blog fits into that.

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8 thoughts on “a bit of a pout”

  1. Well damn. I’m sorry you’re giving up NaBloPoMo. I feel guilty for not commenting on each of your very, very interesting posts, but I do look forward to them. And I’m amazed at your ability to remember so many details of your childhood. You’ve had a more-than-tough year, so posting sad stories isn’t at all a surprise. But if posting was making you feel “not healthy” then you made the right decision. I understand pouting and pity parties and all that self-reflection stuff. I fight it all the time. But I still say, damn.

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    1. Hi Pam. Don’t you feel a bit guilty (at least not on my account). This was about how I reacted to a slow day. I put myself into that unhealthy space. This just isn’t the right time to be trying to do a nablopomo thing. 🙂

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  2. You know how you feel best and what you need. I always enjoy reading your posts because I learn so much about you and about other families and people. Some of my most heartfelt and deep posts(that I have really enjoyed writing) end up getting the fewest comments, while other frivolous or even stupid ones get tons of attention. Thus, like you, I’ve decided to post when I feel like it or have something I want/need to say. OR if I have a cool photo of Mari!! 🙂

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    1. I think some of those heartfelt and deep posts leave people not knowing what to say. But those are the posts where I feel the most vulnerable. I don’t want to set myself or others up with an insane need for validation. That’s my issue – not the people reading. And that part I’m not sure I can deal with right now.

      But I’ve been thinking today about my intentions for NaBloPoMo and maybe I want to give it another chance – just be more conscious about staying a little lighter.

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  3. Starting out, journal writing was therapeutic for me. Even after I started this blog, I didn’t mind occasionally sorting out my mind in public.

    My blog is still mostly for my benefit. But now there’s a lower limit to how much angst, self-pity and introspection I’ll share.

    You had a plan to get through NaBloPoMo. Well, my plan was to read your blog and hope to be inspired enough to respond in my blog to some of your posts!

    Best wishes and see you next year!

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    1. My blog was intended for my benefit, too, but it turned out what I like best is the give and take, back and forth conversation of the comments. I think I will give it a few more days and try to stay a little lighter. And I’ve been planning to use your blog, too. I love it when I find ideas from other bloggers – something that resonates with me and gives me a starting point for a new post.

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  4. Zazzy – I think maybe push through this feeling if you can, and like you said try and stay a little lighter. You’ve had a major loss recently so of course you are going to be feeling fragile in that particular area and revisiting other major losses is probably not the best thing to be doing right now. 🙂

    Stick with it, and remember a title, photo, and caption counts if you are not feeling it that day. Bonus points for cat photos! 😉

    I read the post right before my phone alarm going off to let me know it was home time for The Other Half – I had lost all track of time and I had to be somewhere in 5 minutes, so I dropped everything and went running out the door to the appointment. I was late, well done me! When I got back my blog reader had logged itself out, and because I read the post it did not appear again when I logged back in.

    I relate this to you purely to illustrate that sometimes my not leaving a comment is about me, and issues on my end.. 🙂 Just FYI.

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    1. I read a lot of blogs I never comment on. Heck, I read your blog whenever you post and I comment on only a few. I’m okay with that. I think that I was just feeling really vulnerable and I did not react well to that. I seriously am not blaming others, it was just how I reacted. But I am stepping back and plan on trying to keep going. And I will re-assess in a few days.

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