so, where have I been?

I have good intentions, I really do. In many ways, I just don’t have anything to write about.

I fell down the rabbit hole earlier this week. Funny, kind of, that I had trouble figuring out why. I finished up the death paperwork including a stupid insurance form that wanted all the doctors Mom had seen and when and why for the past 5 years. For $1700 I’m not digging through 5 years of paperwork for every emergency room visit and hospitalization etc. They get the nursing home doctors names and the last ER visit.

Anyway, the paperwork is off in the mail.

I visited with Dad last week when I went to meet with hospice. His doctor recommended hospice with some vague thing about his COPD. The social worker and I both thought that nothing had changed with his health but I agreed to talk with hospice — although I didn’t jump immediately despite the girl I talked with who would be better suited as a used car salesman. Honestly, after talking with her I was ready to tell hospice to take a flying leap.

But, I had met a really nice woman from their program the night Mom died. She stayed with Mom and the nurse while I was driving over there and she stayed with me. She helped clean up Mom. So I felt I had to give them a chance.

I met with a nice nurse who said that when she had seen Dad a couple days before that his legs were purple and blood was dripping off of them. Really scary stuff. However, it turned out to simply be an allergy to a new cream the doctor had prescribed. Dad is fine, his legs are back to their normal – for him – selves. He’s not on hospice. Crisis averted.

It’s been an exceptionally bad week for pain. Weather change? I don’t know. The weather has actually been really nice but it is supposed to maybe snow tomorrow. Maybe it’s just residual from the fall.

It’s been a struggle to get anything done. Depression, pain, lack of sleep. And trying not to feel sorry for myself or beat myself up too much.

I did get three new recipes written up. And over the past few weeks I’ve updated a bunch of recipes with photos. You see, I’d like to join the Secret Recipe Club. I ran into it on another blog. A bunch of food bloggers get assigned another blog to pick a recipe from and make and post about. It sounds like a good way to meet more people. But you know me. It’s taking a risk. It’s reaching out to strangers. Hell, I made a comment on another food blog earlier this week and while she has responded to every other comment made – she hasn’t even approved mine. So, I don’t know that I will join the club but one of the requirements is to post at least weekly to keep new recipes available. I’m not that consistent but for the past few months, even when I haven’t been posting new I’ve been updating old recipes. Like Pumpkin Scones.

pumpkin scone featured

So maybe. I’ve been writing more over at Chickens and Eggs than I have here. And I have even less followers there.

Oh, and happy Valentine’s Day. As far as I’m concerned, a holiday designed to make those of us who are alone feel bad about ourselves. I don’t usually feel bad about being alone. Just once in a while someone goes on and on about how anyone can find someone. The someones I’ve found have not been someones I wanted to keep. Alone is better. But once in a while I wish it was different. That I was different.

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8 thoughts on “so, where have I been?”

  1. I can relate to this post, especially since I tend to isolate myself when I get depressed. (the worst thing to do, I’m sure) Sometimes people’s happiness gets on my nerves and I felt a lot of pity about “why me?” Weather change can definitely cause pain; I’m fighting the high b/p and losing. I don’t feel good when it’s high and that worries me. When I went to the dentist, it was 140/100, 6 months ago it was 110/70. 😦 Life, including my own body, feels out of control at times and I’m not very good at handling that.

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    1. Any medical issues are frustrating. I get the out of control feeling. Seems like nothing I do brings down my blood sugar – but then I realized I’ve been fibbing to myself again. Sigh. I probably should start writing things down again.

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  2. Zazzy – I’ve been depressed before (wonder if I’m just now coming out of one) and one thing I remember served me well: keep up with routines. To me, it sounds like you are. You like to cook – you’re cooking. You’re dealing with life crap. You’re putting one foot in front of the other and making your life happen. Give yourself some credit for that! When you’re depressed, sometimes just getting out of bed (or going to bed) feels impossible.

    As for me – I’m heading over to Chicken and Eggs to see what’s in the oven!

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    1. I try to achieve at least one goal per day. It is taking effort to force myself to even do things I like but I feel better if I can accomplish something every day.

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  3. I can only imagine how difficult it is for you to be in the hospice again, so soon after your mother’s passing. Treat yourself gently and eat healthy. And as for VD, I agree that it’s better to be happy alone than unhappy with the wrong person. If only our society would wake up to that fact and get over this forced love-fest known as Valentine’s Day.

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    1. Yes, the thought of being back with hospice was stressful so I’m glad that it turned out to not be necessary. Someday it will, however.

      Forced love fest is a great description. Even people who are paired with someone get an enormous amount of pressure to somehow make the day some kind of penultimate declaration of love.

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  4. I don’t let the commercialization of days like valentines day disturb my regular life. 🙂 The retailers use it as a way to try and part me from my $$ and I DECLINE THAT.

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    1. I used to put a lot of energy (and stress) into buying gifts for any holiday. In my mind, pleasing someone meant they would love me. Rather sad. That’s changed over the years but I feel like I’m missing out on the joy I had in finding that special gift. I still like giving gifts but it isn’t as much fun as it used to be.

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