Another day with a late-ish post. You’d think I’d have learned after yesterday. When this month started I was ahead of the game. I had plans. I was organized. Hell, sometimes I wrote my post the night before.
Today was supposed to be the Thanksgiving Family Day at the nursing home. Instead, I spent the day being sick. This has been a pattern lately but I also fear that part of it is psychological. You know, that part of me that just doesn’t want to go. At the moment, my plan is to go tomorrow. Lots of guilt.
Thanksgiving. Just a week away. I’ve been focusing on making plans for a small Thanksgiving dinner for me. When Mom was first in the nursing home we used to try to make the actual holidays special. I used to take in cookies or crafts and Mom’s lady friends would get together with us and decorate. One little lady sat and ate sprinkles instead of putting them on her cookie. I was always doing something. There was the great gingerbread house (kit) debacle. They are harder than they look.
Things fell off as Mom got further and further into Alzheimer’s. Dad stopped visiting although he thought that he went. If you asked him, he’d tell you he went last week. Even when his car hadn’t started in 6 months he’d insist he’d just gone. It’s gotten harder for me to go now. I can’t even get her to make eye contact. And Dad. After his birthday, I’ve struggled to even go. Sure, there are other reasons. But with Dad, he won’t even try to socialize with the other people. And half the time he pretends that he’s asleep. I don’t have the energy to fight with him.
But then there’s guilt. I should try harder. Be there more. Let go of the past. Lots of guilt at the holidays, days like today. I don’t want to dwell on that. I do what I can.