day 3 and keep moving forward

There are moments that I really, really want a cigarette. Just one. Really. Would someone give me just one? I’m doing okay with the non-smoking. I think the Chantix has helped – it blocks the nicotine receptors and apparently needs to build up in your system which is probably why you keep smoking the first week. Not sure why you’d continue taking it for months. It doesn’t do anything for the habitual aspect of smoking so I’ll probably stop taking it after this month. And I do think it’s causing some depression. Hard to tell, just could be the normal depression cycle. If the weather comes in as advertised, I’ll be trapped in the house until some time next week, so that’ll help me not give in and buy cigarettes. 🙂

I still feel like crap, but getting better. I can’t talk. The washer and dryer were delivered this morning and trying to talk to the delivery guys over the phone was fun. Plus, the hoses for the washer are supposed to arrive next week and they aren’t allowed to use old hoses. Fortunately, they had some on the truck and I’ll just send back the others when they finally arrive. I had to talk to the store on the phone and trying to get him to understand the credit card number was just a touch frustrating. Kitty Kitty is still hiding. Zoe has checked in with me a few times but is still acting nervous. I think it’s time to try to force them out with some treats.

This week’s Pema Chodron Heart Advice resonated with me.

“Our habitual patterns are, of course, well established, seductive, and comforting. Just wishing for them to be ventilated isn’t enough. Mindfulness and awareness are key. Do we see the stories that we’re telling ourselves and question their validity? When we are distracted by a strong emotion, do we remember that it is part of our path? Can we feel the emotion and breathe it into our hearts for ourselves and everyone else? If we can remember to experiment like this even occasionally, we are training as a warrior. And when we can’t practice when distracted but know that we can’t, we are still training well. Never underestimate the power of compassionately recognizing what’s going on. (emphasis added)”
(From her book, Comfortable With Uncertainty)
http://pemachodronfoundation.org/store/buy-books/#comfortable

That part about recognizing when we’re busy or sick or otherwise can’t do as planned and not beating yourself up for not being able to do everything you intended – or at least that’s how I read it – is something I have sort of been working on. It’s so easy to criticize yourself for not being super-woman. A little at a time, keep moving forward.

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10 thoughts on “day 3 and keep moving forward”

  1. I tend to beat myself up about everything–about not living up to my own expectations of myself, mainly. Other people think I’m very capable. I’m not convinced. Glad the Chantix is working; stay strong!!

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    1. Maybe we can both work on not beating ourselves up so much. I think you’re much more capable than you think you are. And thanks! 🙂

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  2. I didn’t realise until very recently that you smoke. I must have missed that somewhere along the line. I’ve never smoked so can’t help with that, but I read a book recently, called A Million Little Pieces by James Frey, now a successful writer (clearly) but once an alcoholic drug addict at the very bottom of human existence. I don’t think either of us are quite there yet (!) but I thought he had some interesting insights into the nature of addiction which could inform our battle with other issues, be that cigarettes or the wrong foods or whatever. Your title reminded me of the children’s rhyme: one finger, one thumb keep moving… Quite appropriate really. Could be paraphrased: day one, one day keep moving, day two, one day, keep moving… Ultimately that’s all we can do, one day at a time. That’s the nature of beating addiction ( I think). Sorry, this is the level to which my life has sunk. 🙂 🙂

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    1. Well, I don’t brag about smoking. 🙂 It’s kind of funny, one of my clearest early memories about my dad was me coming home in hysterics at 6 or 7 crying that I didn’t want Daddy to die – and he actually quit smoking for a while. I was an anti-smoking kid. I started smoking kind of part time in college. I quit for about 10 years somewhere in my 30s and started smoking again at the most stupid time possible, when I was in the nursing home after my injury. And went to part time smoking a few months later. I wish I could go back to part time smoking. I’d never quit!

      But you’re right, one day at a time. And it’s not so bad. I just have the urge to smoke here and there during the day.

      How are things going? You haven’t been posting in a while. You okay?

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      1. Absolutely fine, Zazzy, thanks. Just not blogging anymore really. May get my mojo back next year – you know, fresh start and all that! 🙂 May tweet you my news instead x

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        1. I’m going to have to start looking at twitter more often then! And I will! I wish I could find a way for twitter to send me notifications of just the people I care about reading. I suppose I could delete everyone but those few but that seems a little drastic.

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  3. Polly: That James Frey book has a very interesting history. When it was first published he went on Oprah to promote it. Then it was discovered that he made up a great deal of it — it wasn’t a memoir but more like a novel. He went back on Oprah (this is from my memory so I’ll probably get some details wrong) to face her over his dishonesty. And then he wrote another book to apologize for being dishonest in the first book. This doesn’t mean, in my mind, that his book isn’t good, just that he’s a bit of a fraud.

    About addictions: I’ve mentioned on this blog before that I had to fight hard to stop drinking and it was one of the hardest tasks I’ve ever faced. I suspect that giving up nicotine is even harder than giving up booze. I can only encourage you, Zazzy, to keep trying. I know people who’ve had success w/ Chantix, and I know others who succeeded by scaling back a little at a time. My dad was successful at tossing down his pack of cigs the day after the Surgeon General — way, way back in the mid-60s — finally confirmed that nicotine causes lung cancer. Just reading Margaret’s blog during the year her husband was battling lung cancer reinforced in my mind that smoking is a risky business. On the other hand (I always have two hands in most debates) I’m all in favor of people picking their lifestyle battles. We all gotta die one way or the other. Personally, I refuse to give up butter and several other high-fat food items because I’m willing to risk heart disease for the pleasure of a big slab of butter on hot bread from the oven.

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    1. Pam, I had absolutely no idea about all that James Frey business, I hadn’t heard about any of that. I loved the book, but I’m so sad that most of it is fake. It did occur to me as I was reading, that if he was that sick, how would he remember half of these conversations / events etc, so I thought some of it would be poetic licence, if you like, filling in the gaps, but not outright untrue. Have you read the book? I was particularly impressed by the bit where he goes straight into a bar after his release and then just says to himself, no, not going to do it. Made the choice, that’s it. I still think it’s a good book, but I’m so sad it’s a fake. I would like to see the second Oprah programme – wonder if it’s on YouTube.

      Well done your dad. Some people are built that way – have you read Gretchen Rubin’s ideas about abstainers and moderators? I’m an abstainer, sounds like your dad is too. Well done you too, facing down your own demons. Sounds like an immense thing to do.

      I’m a big fan of two hands in a debate 🙂 Keeps things interesting. Thanks for all the info. This is the great thing about blogging and some of the things I’ve learned since I started reading Zazzy’s blog!!

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      1. Hell, I sometimes have 3 or 4 hands in the debate. 🙂 I don’t remember all the details of the Frey book either – Oprah’s recommendations rarely hit it for me so I never read it – but I’m thinking it was mostly fiction. That doesn’t make it a bad story and I always felt that if he’d just called it fiction from the beginning that it still could have been a best seller. From what I recall, a good part of it was said to be realistic.

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    2. I think alcohol is harder than cigarettes. They both fall in the “not illegal” set but I think there’s more pressure to drink, so many social functions where drinking is pretty much expected.

      The last time I quit smoking, I had just been put on 3 inhalers by the doctor and I was stopping by the store to pick up cigarettes before work. “What the f— am I doing?” I exclaimed. And that was it. It wasn’t that hard to quit. I’ve “tried” to quit a few times over the past couple years but I didn’t really want to. This time, whether it’s Chantix or attitude, it’s going pretty well. There are moments that I really want a cigarette but it’s not that bad.

      And yup, you gotta die from something. I won’t give up butter either – I just try to either use neufchatel or not eat a lot that needs butter. Butter on freshly baked bread is the best thing ever.

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