There are moments that I really, really want a cigarette. Just one. Really. Would someone give me just one? I’m doing okay with the non-smoking. I think the Chantix has helped – it blocks the nicotine receptors and apparently needs to build up in your system which is probably why you keep smoking the first week. Not sure why you’d continue taking it for months. It doesn’t do anything for the habitual aspect of smoking so I’ll probably stop taking it after this month. And I do think it’s causing some depression. Hard to tell, just could be the normal depression cycle. If the weather comes in as advertised, I’ll be trapped in the house until some time next week, so that’ll help me not give in and buy cigarettes. 🙂
I still feel like crap, but getting better. I can’t talk. The washer and dryer were delivered this morning and trying to talk to the delivery guys over the phone was fun. Plus, the hoses for the washer are supposed to arrive next week and they aren’t allowed to use old hoses. Fortunately, they had some on the truck and I’ll just send back the others when they finally arrive. I had to talk to the store on the phone and trying to get him to understand the credit card number was just a touch frustrating. Kitty Kitty is still hiding. Zoe has checked in with me a few times but is still acting nervous. I think it’s time to try to force them out with some treats.
This week’s Pema Chodron Heart Advice resonated with me.
“Our habitual patterns are, of course, well established, seductive, and comforting. Just wishing for them to be ventilated isn’t enough. Mindfulness and awareness are key. Do we see the stories that we’re telling ourselves and question their validity? When we are distracted by a strong emotion, do we remember that it is part of our path? Can we feel the emotion and breathe it into our hearts for ourselves and everyone else? If we can remember to experiment like this even occasionally, we are training as a warrior. And when we can’t practice when distracted but know that we can’t, we are still training well. Never underestimate the power of compassionately recognizing what’s going on. (emphasis added)”
(From her book, Comfortable With Uncertainty)
That part about recognizing when we’re busy or sick or otherwise can’t do as planned and not beating yourself up for not being able to do everything you intended – or at least that’s how I read it – is something I have sort of been working on. It’s so easy to criticize yourself for not being super-woman. A little at a time, keep moving forward.