Okay, actually stand up straight day. Turns out that’s hard with a walker so I’m focusing on sit up straight day. Once upon a time, a long, long, really long time ago, I was a dancer. Standing up straight is part of the deal. I am more inclined to slump when sitting, though.
As for Monday and Tuesday, I’m still shopping. I think I found something I like but it’s expensive. Still, as Maura said on her blog, one of the points of this month is valuing yourself enough to take time for yourself and maybe even find money in the budget to do nice things for yourself now and then. While I don’t believe you have to dress a certain way to feel happy – I do admit that not buying clothes I don’t absolutely need, not getting my hair cut, not getting a manicure, etc., is not just a financial decision. Part of me doesn’t feel like … well, not so much that I don’t deserve them; rather that I’m not pretty and so why should I spend money on clothes or hair or nails. Isn’t there some pithy saying about dressing up a pig?
That’s not a logical feeling. I know that. On an intellectual level I absolutely believe I should have and wear pretty things, that I should do nice things for myself, even that indulging in a manicure or pedicure once in a while should be fit into my budget. In my defense, the illogical feeling is reinforced by people like hair stylists who grimace when they see me, talk to others while working on my hair, and clearly don’t care. Of course, I don’t know why they are like that but you know how I fill in that blank. Same thing with the only pedicure I’ve ever gotten. Reality is that there are a lot of judgmental people and though it may be that I’m making really wrong assumptions – it may that I’m right. If you listen to fat jokes and off-the-cuff comments by people who don’t know you’re fat, you’d be forgiven for making those assumptions.
Should I let that stop me? No, I shouldn’t. But I’m not going to pay for a half-assed haircut. I’ve spent time this week trying to come up with a “date” for me on Saturday. I don’t have that kind of friend down here. So, something to do down here that doesn’t involve a lot of money or spending time in crowds. I was happy with my idea to prepare a nice meal, maybe get something special to drink, a candle, and a new movie until I started writing this. I’ve talked about why I eat including boredom, depression, and stress – but it’s a refuge, isn’t it? It’s something I can do for me with no one else around, no one else judging that I’m not pretty enough to get a manicure. No one who might think I’m too fat to wear pretty clothes. I don’t think even the most judgmental person is going to look at my chicken and sweet potatoes in my cart and think I don’t deserve them.
Sure, that’s not logical either. I may change my mind about this insight upon further reflection. But it’s making sense to me. Perhaps long term change is going to involve wearing things I want to wear whether or not someone else thinks I look stupid. Or getting a nice haircut even if it isn’t going to make me look beautiful. That’s something I can take away from this month.