back to real life and one small insight

I’m awake rather early, for me, this morning. The young man who supposedly does the lawn and who was going to do the flower beds has finally shown up. In his mind, that’s my fault. In my mind, he was supposed to be here in the middle of July when he told me he would be done with another job and have time to start the beds. And even before that, when he said he’d be here to spray the weeds in the rocks. But, one way or the other, the jungle is coming down again today. He said he’d be here yesterday but, hell, he’s here. This is the nature of trying to get anything done down here. When I spoke to him last Wednesday, he said he didn’t think he could do the beds because he can’t get a trailer down here. Sigh. I expect I am going to be looking for another landscaper and nothing much is getting done this year.

One of my projects for the day is to break the boxes down from all the stuff that has come lately. Shopping online is really convenient and I have several things, like cat food, that come every month or every other month. That and the stuff I ordered last week (All-Clad pan is here!) has all come at the same time and I’ve got boxes stacked up in the family room. Sometimes I wish I lived upstairs. Where the trash cans are.

I had an insight yesterday, by the way, when I was bullshitting my way through a confusing reply to Snoskred. She wrote about the beauty inside concept and I have, over the past few days, felt really uncomfortable with that. I tried to say that I don’t feel beautiful inside – but that’s not exactly it. And I realized later that it’s the word. I am really uncomfortable with the word beautiful. You’re a beautiful person, people say, and I’m instantly uncomfortable and reacting against the word. I don’t know why. Perhaps it is simply that I associate beautiful with physical attributes. At any rate, I suddenly saw that it was the word, not the concept of being beautiful inside that I was having a problem with. Even the negative voices in my head have nothing really to do with how I react. It’s just the word.

For whatever reason, I don’t have the same association/reaction to the word lovely. I’m a lovely person. Okay. I may shrug it off a bit. I kind of suck at accepting compliments, but I can feel lovely. More or less. While lovely can mean beautiful, it means much more than that to me.

A small, yet interesting insight. And I’m off to go wrestle with cardboard.

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8 thoughts on “back to real life and one small insight”

  1. I bet that everyone has a word or two that makes them cringe, even when other people say it as a compliment. Good insight.

    I like the image of you wrestling with cardboard. With all the packing that comes around things, it is pretty much a wrestling match. Best of luck.

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    1. I am the great cardboard wrassler. Even with help from Zoe. The pan was in a box, inside a box, inside a box. I could build a tree.

      And perhaps I can stop wanting to argue when someone says “beautiful.” You never know.

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  2. This is a really fascinating insight and I am so thrilled to be the one that you were replying to when you had it. 🙂

    For me the word Beautiful starts a hugely annoying song by Christina Aguilera playing in my head, which I am not the hugest fan of. I am sure now that you have read this, that song is playing in your head too, and of all those who read this. My deepest apologies!

    Words can be used in so many ways. I wish I were better at choosing them at times. Over the past couple of years I have taken to getting out the thesaurus when writing an email, and looking for other words to use that mean the same thing as the word I always choose.

    But when your mind decides to use a word as a weapon against you.. That is not awesome. It might be time to visit the thesaurus and when you hear that word, substitute in a synonym that you prefer.

    http://thesaurus.com/browse/beautiful

    I would go with charming, myself. Though I also like fascinating. Lovely is in there, so that works.

    One thing I highly recommend is to find some fashion bloggers who are not stick thin and are comfortable in their skin, it has helped me to become more comfortable within mine. I can send you a few links if you would like to check a couple out. My favourite is Suger and I also like Gabi and you can google those names and find them on the first results page. There are probably a lot more out there, too!

    One reason I say this is because we are bombarded with images of stick thin people constantly and I have found that to see people who are not that way on a regular basis creates more balance for me, in my mind. Sure, it would be great if this could be provided to us via regular means like tv and magazines, but until they start doing that, I’m going to seek out my own images to inspire me.

    I will end this by saying, no matter how uncomfortable you are with the word you are truly *that word* inside. 🙂

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    1. I like pulchritudinous. Sounds like it ought to be an insult. 😉 It’s curious the way words can get into your head. I’m not sure where this one came from, not sure it matters. Becoming aware of it is a good thing.

      Most of the plus sized models don’t look particularly plus sized to me. But there are women like Ina Garten who always seems to be comfortable in her own skin. She loves and knows she’s loved. Other women, like Oprah, I think are pretty no matter what size they are, but never seem comfortable with themselves. There is a part of me that has super-unrealistic expectations. I want to be thinner. And shorter. And, um, younger. Then there is the adult who would be okay with being what many would consider overweight, but comfortable and healthier, able to do the things I want to do.

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  3. I always cut myself while wrestling with cardboard. Ugh. I also hate the word beautiful. I prefer lovely or kind or thoughtful. I have angry, ugly feelings sometimes, so I don’t feel “pretty” inside. And people who don’t know me at all piss me off when they say I’m a beautiful person. (apparently this is a hot button issue for me!)

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    1. Yay! It’s not just me! We can be lovely ladies together. Or wise women. Or neurotic nutjobs!

      Cardboard is done wrassled. Now I’ve got to drive it upstairs. (roll eyes)

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  4. I’ve known you long enough that I can add “smart as a whip” and funny beyond belief. I’ve never laughed so hard at anything online as at your pre-accident antics on that old culinary board. Your wit and humor is a thing of, yes, beauty. (Sorry, there is no better word!) 🙂

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    1. WE were hilarious. It’s a pity that the fun went out of that place. I miss having a real forum where food and recipes are discussed. Blogs are cool but not the same thing.

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