I had relatively good news from Dr. G&P yesterday. My a1c was up slightly but I only gained 4 pounds. Considering how badly I was eating earlier this spring, that’s a good thing. All my other numbers were good. LDLs were way down! Yay me.
I had a shrink visit too, which was interesting. We’ve talked many times about the dad voice in my head. It’s clear and obvious and boils down to how much I suck and how I’ll never been good enough. I told the shrink last time to remind me to talk to him about the mom voice, which is far more subtle. Mom was never malicious, but the messages I got from her are equally toxic.
Mom often told me, directly or indirectly, that people were constantly judging me. If my room was a mess, she told me she hoped none of my friends came by because they wouldn’t like me if I had a messy room. I was supposed to be perfect, act perfect, or people wouldn’t like me. And she told me stories from her own life, stories of how she was overweight and no one liked her. Stories of how she didn’t have the same clothes as the other girls, so no one liked her. I’ve seen high school pictures of her and she wasn’t fat. But she had me on diets from about age 10 and I was sure I was fat – I’ve got pictures of me from then and I wasn’t. I think that she wanted to protect me but she left me believing that everyone watched and judged – and you know, you’re going to get a certain amount of confirmation of those ideas. We all have someone who has made fun of us for something.
I don’t know how much other people experience this kind of internal voice. I know at least some do, it’s not uncommon. But apparently it’s also not everyone. Affirmations work, apparently, for a bunch of people. People are able to challenge the negative voices. I’ve tried those things, many times. I can challenge the you suck voices. But it’s the other one, the one that knows that affirmations aren’t true, they’re just things I say to try and fool myself. That voice, I can’t seem to challenge. It knows that people won’t like me if my house isn’t perfectly clean – and it’s not. It knows that it’s not okay to be fat – and I am. It knows that I don’t, can’t wear the cool clothes. The best I’ve ever been able to do is to tell myself that other people tell me that the things I think are not true. That’s not a really effective challenge.
But perhaps we will find a way of getting past or ignoring those stupid voices. It seems so dumb to me that these voices, these pieces of childhood, can still have so much power over me this late in my life. I ought to be able to just say to hell with them and be who I am and happy with it. That’s all I want. Just to be happy being me.
One of the things I’m doing toward that goal is to eat. I mentioned it in a comment a while ago, I’m cooking. I’m trying not to be afraid of food and I’m eating a better balance of food, healthier food. I’m not eating a bunch of junk and I’m feeling much less like bingeing on junk food because I’m making real food. And I like that about me. I like to cook and be creative. I’m even baking again. And the novelty of having homemade bread around is wearing off, I’m eating less. And I hope eventually to be in better balance and cut portions gradually so I can lose weight in a healthy manner. And I don’t expect the impossible. I just want to be me. Happy with who I am – and a bit healthier than I am now. That doesn’t seem crazy to me.
One side effect of gabapentine, by the way, is blurred vision. It makes proofreading hard. So if I find mistakes tomorrow I will correct the typos then.