it ought to be raining

support group

I tried to go to the caregiver’s support group this Friday but apparently, in the months since I’ve been able to get there it has disbanded. I almost made it there one week in January but the support group guy had left just before I got there. Oh well. And I called for an appointment with the shrink but had to leave a voicemail. And never got a call back. And while part of me suspects that there was a problem with the voicemail, the rest of me thinks perhaps the shrink doesn’t want to see me anymore. After all, it’s been a long time since I made it there, too. I did go to visit at rehab and talked to a friend there for a while. I can’t afford to pay the monthly fee just to only get there a couple of times and I have a lot to get done this month. Perhaps next month. I’m not feeling motivated. I am feeling lonely and those rehab friends are not real life friends, even though I thought they were. I haven’t even been checking in at Calorie King. It’s hard to fit into a new forum and I don’t feel like I belong there. Or anywhere.

I feel lonely. And sad. And really, really tired. I don’t feel like anyone really cares – and who can blame them? I have acquaintances at rehab, at the nursing home, at the grocery store, online and hell, even at Walmart. People I say hello to and chat with a bit if I am there. But not people who are real friends. I’ve said it before, I know, but have found no way to resolve it. I am unlikely to meet people sitting here at home. And I have no idea of where to go and how to meet people. At least, not people who might be more than acquaintances. It might be impossible.

I am sorry. It’s just one of those days. It’s supposed to rain. I hope that it does. Perhaps a little rain will clear the stagnant air around here.

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17 thoughts on “it ought to be raining”

  1. Sorry you are feeling so down, Zazzy. I had a day like that on Friday – people I see almost every Friday very casually said (at the last minute) that they were doing other things. My mother in law came to the door with a magazine but wouldn’t knock, even though it’s half term and the little man was home. She didn’t want to see us (but really, nothing new there) and I tried to organise little man’s friend to come round and his mum said he was busy at the childminders on a trip. I called a friend to ask if she wanted to hear a famous journalist speaking at one of our local libraries, and her response left me feeling silly for even suggesting it. All perfectly fine and reasonable, but when they all happened on the same day, I just thought hmmm. I find I’m better if I’ve got a finger in a lot of pies, then I don’t mind not being deep in with any one thing. But sometimes that’s unsatisfactory. My Aussie friend says “keep a smile on the dial, possum” in such situations. Good advice. Sail on.

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    1. Sometimes I think the more connected we are, the further we are from real people. Sounds like you had a really disconnected Friday. I reckon those days pass…… or so I tell myself.

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  2. I hate to ask this–but would meds help? Does your “shrink” recommend them? It sounds like a bunch of different issues, piling on, as Polly suggests. I’ve been depressed lately too, but my job helps. It keeps me busy and around people which is very important. Is there any volunteer work you would want to do? Big hugs! xoxo

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    1. No worries. It is a pity that medication doesn’t seem to do anything for me. I think so much of this is just the situation. It’s a small rural area here with not a lot of opportunity for volunteering. I’ve got plenty of reasons not to do the things that are possible but it’s hard to tell what is legitimate and what is just excuses.

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  3. I hope that you’re feeling better today. I know what you mean about having no one around to do things with. I think that lack of meaningful relationships is the norm now no matter where you live. Not that it makes you feel any better in the moment. But that’s how our world works– 400 “friends” on FB, but not a soul irl to have a cup of coffee with. It sucks.

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    1. You know there’s a lot of argument about that. I’m wondering this morning whether it’s different between extroverts and introverts. Maybe extroverts are still out there connecting irl. Maybe social media makes it easier for them as they hook up with their 400 fb followers and all meet together somewhere for coffee. I’m thinking that it makes it even harder on introverts, though. Or at least those of us who tend to isolate naturally. It does suck.

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      1. I think that you’re right about the extrovert issue. They always manage to have somewhere to go, someone to do things with. I really don’t get that. How does that happen?

        I also think that the more conservative & family-oriented the area in which you live, the fewer the people who will reach out to you. Which means in my case, that I’m forever on my own. Not a bad thing, mind you. Just a thing.

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        1. The area is mostly the over-70 crowd or weekenders who come down to party at the lake. So yeah, it’s a kind of challenging place for an introvert to make friends. And that’s not all bad. Overall, I’d rather have too few people around than too many. I’ve always said that my ideal home would be far away from any neighbors and 5 minutes to a big city. Perhaps when flying cars are invented.

          Perhaps extroverts are satisfied with more casual relationships? I don’t think like an extrovert but from the outside it seems that they are always busy doing something and I wonder if they are less intimate friends than we seem to crave.

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  4. Again this is one of those times I wish I had a Tardis or a transporter and could just zip over and say hi or take you out to paint ceramics with Alanna and I. As always I don’t have any easy answers (at least I’m consistent!), but I do think of you often and hope your day is better today.

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    1. Yeah, we’d have fun together. I so want to go to that tea shoppe! Pity you live up there with all that snow. 🙂

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  5. I have an idea, Zaz. I’ve heard about this online and one of my six New Year’s resolutions (messed up on 2 already) was to do something out of my comfort zone even if I think maybe I don’t need it. I have suggested this to others in the past but I finally decided to do this myself for the first time. Actually, I’m a little nervous. I don’t know a soul who will be there and it’s way down in Midtown but I am going to do the entire thing:

    You might have to go to Springfield or somewhere but it could be worthwhile to do that once per week. It’s a thought!

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    1. Thanks Hannah but I don’t think that’s for me. Very brave of you to go, though, and I hope you enjoy yourself.

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    1. I was hoping that the Rattler was online so I could list for you the many (senior) activities that take place here. I think there’s Bingo and I just missed the Senior Center pancake breakfast.

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      1. Okay, if you missed the Senior Center Pancake Breakfast, then you probably wouldn’t be up for the Blood Pressure Screening or Knitting Nook either.

        The lake looks gorgeous and serene, but such a lonely place for a single woman in her prime. It is not too early to start planning for life after your caregiving role ends, as it inevitably will. I’m quite a few years older than you and there is still a lot of life left to enjoy (I hope!).

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