It seems like such a long week. You should have seen the snow yesterday. It hasn’t snowed this hard all winter – I went out and got Dad’s taxes done and went to the post office, pharmacy and store so I’d be set for the long haul. Fortunately for us, we got maybe an inch of snow and it was melted off the roads at least by this morning. And this morning I saw my doctor for my “medication check.” Also, I have bronchitis. Between the weather and the bronchitis, I didn’t go to Branson today.
It was interesting this morning, I really, really did not want to go to Branson. Part of that is just how hard visits with Dad are. He always is sure that he is coming home tomorrow. But, I talked to him on the phone and he was happier or calmer or something-er today, which is good. He has also been isolating today and is certain that he is coming home tomorrow – apparently that he will be driving himself home. It’s supposed to snow and ice this weekend and the hospital says that if there are no changes, he’ll be transferred back to Red Rose next week.
But the weather was the biggest reason I wasn’t forcing myself to drive over there. It’s an hour drive on secondary roads. I used to drive in bad weather without much more than mild concern. If I wanted or needed to go somewhere, it would take a lot more than a slight possibility of snow to keep me home. But I can’t walk well. I have this image of sliding into a ditch and not being able to get myself out, not even being able to walk to the nearest house, which on those roads could be quite a walk. It makes me feel really out of control and vulnerable. I hadn’t realized that before. There are several areas where I make decisions based on my ability to get around. It’s frustrating right now. I don’t want to use the wheelchair and the new car is going to be a pain in the ass with it anyway, but I am limiting myself more and more on where I go. Going to have to do some thinking on that.
My doctor recommends I get a new mattress. This one, the folks bought for guests 25 years ago. It’s hard and uncomfortable and old, even with the memory foam topper I bought for it. But I cannot possibly afford a new mattress. I have to admit that part of me is considering it a household expense… but that’s probably just rationalization. I suppose I could close out the rest of my savings account – but if that money is available, I’ll spend it. It’s much better leaving it safely accruing tiny amounts of interest.
He also recommends I separate myself emotionally from what is going on with Dad. That’s hard to do. Dad is still in that gray area where he sometimes seems a lot like his old self. If you don’t talk to him too long. I still feel I should be capable of taking care of him, even though I know I can’t. I am neither physically nor emotionally capable of doing what he needs. But I feel like I should be. I guess we’ll see whether the antidepressant helps – at least to make him more comfortable?