I am amazed at how thoroughly I can stress myself out. I made myself almost physically sick yesterday anticipating trying to get the car to the shop. Now what’s the worst thing that could have happened? If the car died on the way, I would have had to call a tow truck. Vexing but not a calamity. I did think, before I left, that if necessary I could take it to the local shop – only a mile and a half away. I would rather take it to Cassville but, especially if it had to be towed, it might be more practical to use the shop here.
But I feared even trying to start the car. I drove the trash up to the upper drive on Sunday and it stalled. It felt really rough, too. But it started okay yesterday and felt okay as I drove out of the neighborhood. In fact, as I got up to the main road, I relaxed and thought I’d probably make it to Cassville just fine. Then it stalled out less than half a mile later. And didn’t want to start again. And thank you, by the way, to the idiot behind me who honked at me although it was obvious that the car was dead.
It did start again (and the lucky person behind me was able to go on their way) and limped the rest of the way to the local shop where I got to sit in the parking lot and read for an hour while I waited for them to get back from lunch. In my favor, they were having a light day and took my car right back where the computer said I had no fuel pressure. The thingie they use to measure actual fuel pressure said it was fine and for only $300 I will get a new fuel pressure sensor which, we hope, will solve the problem. They gave me a ride home and the car should be done this afternoon.
So see? No calamity.
I found myself missing my dad. Not the dad of the last few years, but the dad who left work to rescue me when I ran out of gas. The dad I could count on for car problems and other things like that. It’s strange, I haven’t had that kind of back-up in almost thirty years. I deal with crap like this on my own. I have managed many times. I suppose a few years ago Dad could have come and given me a ride home from the shop, at least, but that wasn’t an impossible thing to manage either.
I’ve been alone a long time. Sometimes I get really tired of dealing with everything by myself and I guess I’ve been thinking about that lately. I don’t have friends right in Shell. My local friends are not local. There really is no one to ask for help here. Sometimes that sucks but is it so different? It’s not like I don’t suck at asking for help anyway.
Maybe I need to do something different. I have tried, in the past, to find a way to meet people and make friends in this area. I even went to our local computer club where I was the youngest by nearly thirty years. I don’t know how to make friends here. I’m not good at it. I don’t know how to get good at it. I keep thinking that I will always be alone. Some have told me that that is just me being negative but I think it may just be the simple truth.
I’m 50 years old. Will I be alone the next 20 or 30 years? Do I want to be?