It’s always the middle of the night, isn’t it? Perhaps I am just at my most introspective in the quiet hours between midnight and four in the morning.
I put aside the perfectly nice light mystery I’ve been reading tonight. It’s well written enough, with characters that I like and a decent story line. It just isn’t what I’m seeking tonight.
So I picked up Ann Pearlman’s The Christmas Cookie Club to read again. I’ve considered sending out copies of this book to my dearest friends, much like I did The School of Essential Ingredients a few years ago. The problem with that is that these books do not necessarily speak to others the way they speak to me. Most said that they enjoyed it or it was okay, but clearly did not have the visceral reaction I did. Understandable but disappointing.
The Christmas Cookie Club reminds me of Plato; Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. We all have losses, deaths and marriages and jobs and health problems. Even if life is going along smoothly right now, we have those losses in our past or future. Mine is not more nor less than your’s. We are human with our fears, grief, joy, loss, hope, sadness. We share that, each of us. So while I cannot understand the particulars of your pain, I know what pain and hope and despair feels like. I want to comfort you, to celebrate with you, and to receive comfort from you.
At this time, in particular, I miss my friends. It’s not that I don’t value my long-distance friends or those I know online, but I miss the women who held me while I cried. I miss the ladies to whom I listened, a real part of their lives. I wonder if I will ever see them again. Will I ever be a part of their lives again?
I think, at least here in the middle of the night, that these losses are harder than the stuff with my parents. Some of it’s life, some of it’s me. I don’t want to intrude as I know that their lives go forward. New joys and losses without me there. My own pain without having them here around me.
I haven’t made that kind of friend down here. Is it really the circumstances or have I pulled back so far that I’m not letting anyone else in?
I’m planning on making holiday treats for my more casual friends here. Then, I wonder if I should. Will they convey the things I want them to convey? Somehow I doubt it. These cookies come from my heart. Please appreciate them. Please love me.