catching up

First, a gratuitous kitty picture…

hot spot

Zoe has decided that my heating pad is the best place to sleep – whether or not it’s actually on. The poor heating pad is near the end of it’s life so I may have to buy us each one. Or I may buy her one of those heated cat beds but what are the chances that she will sleep on something I buy specifically for her? She has gotten a lot more stripey, don’t you think? Still colored like a siamese but stripey all over except her tummy.

So….. catching up. About three weeks ago I suddenly developed heartburn and that is a bad thing with the lap-band. I haven’t been in for a lap-band check in a long time. I feel so humiliated. I lost a lot of weight, I’ve gained a lot back. It doesn’t seem like it should be so hard. Millions – if not billions – of people manage to eat fairly reasonably and stay at a good, even if not perfect, weight. I go to the trouble, pain, expense and risk of having actual surgery and I still gain weight back. I feel like a failure, not just because of the weight – but a failure as a human being. And please don’t give me excuses. Other people can do it, the fact that I always go back to old behaviors is my own fault.

At any rate, I finally went in and I’m having reflux which is what happens when the band is too tight. It doesn’t feel too tight. I kept waiting for it to feel too tight since I’ve gained weight. I figured I would have to go in and have it unfilled some but then, I also figured that tomorrow, or next week, or at some mysterious point I would get back on track and lose the weight again then I would need to have the band filled (or tightened). I guess, looking back, that I may not have noticed it getting tight since there are so many foods I can’t eat because of digestive issues. Many of my trigger foods are the foods that would be very hard to eat with a tight band. Soft foods? No problem.

Normally, filling or unfilling the band is easy. There’s a little port sewn onto my stomach muscle and a needle is inserted to inject or withdraw fluid from the band. But, my port has flipped. Wendy-the-always-encouraging tells me this just happens. It can happen very early on after surgery or later but it’s just one of those things. I’m pretty sure it’s my fault. It must be. I’m the one not using this expensive tool the way it should be used. But the upshot is that the needle can’t be inserted in the port to withdraw some fluid and it will require surgery to fix the port.

I see the surgeon this Tuesday to get more information and decide what to do and when to do it. It depresses me greatly. Fortunately, it’s outpatient surgery. I have a friend who can take me on her day off if we can schedule it that day. I can’t tell Dad because I cannot deal with him – he would argue about how he could drive me and how he has to be there, and then forget all about it. And I can just imagine trying to get him out of the house since you know it’s going to be scheduled at some god awful time in the morning. So, at the most, I’m going to tell him that I am having a test and a friend is going with me. Or maybe just that I’m going to Springfield for the day. It does have to be done, tight bands can lead to big problems. And I never know what’s going to irritate it. I ate yogurt for my snack Thursday night and somehow triggered massive amounts of pain. Yogurt? Seriously?

I was going to catch up on more stuff but I’ve already been wordy enough. It is ultimately not that big a deal but it’s stressing me out big time. If it weren’t for Dad, it’d mostly just be the humiliation of the thing but dealing with Dad complicates everything.

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14 thoughts on “catching up”

  1. Ick. More surgery… even if it is outpatient, it is icky. Yes, that’s my mature response to your problem. Mea culpa.

    That being said, it sounds like you have a solution to your problem and that is all I’d focus on right now. Get yourself fixed up– and move on toward a healthier lifestyle.

    [Aren’t I just Suzy Sunshine here? Sorry. Sounds lame.]

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    1. I know what you mean, though, Suzy. First step is dealing with the immediate and I guess I find out tomorrow what we’re going to do about that. Then I can move on to the other stuff. And any surgery is icky. Just hoping it’s not general anesthesia.

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  2. First off, have you tried these before? http://www.drsfostersmith.com/product/prod_display.cfm?c=3261+1883+8982&pcatid=8982
    In her later years, Frankie really loved hers and could always be found on one of the two we’d gotten her especially in the colder months.

    It takes courage to admit things are hard and face them head on. Once in a while we get banged up in the process.

    You are still one of the strongest people I know and even if there has been a set back, you’re dealing with it. This is HARD, and yes it’s your own fault, but like you’ve told me time and time again it’s also ok to have your own learning curve with those things that we individually struggle with. You can’t compare your own struggles to someone else’s even if it is the first place your mind is tempted to go.

    And yogurt is just irritating in general for a multitude of reasons 😉

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    1. Hey Lel – do I say that? Really? I’m pretty sure I advocate judging myself based on the idea that I should be perfect.

      I’ve been looking at different cat bed options. That kind is almost exactly what I think Zoe would go for, except that the ones I’ve been looking at have that silvery thermal stuff in them that crackles. Zoe hates crackle. I want to see one in person and see how much noise it actually makes.

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      1. LOL! Yes, you do say that…well to me anyways. Of course the voice in my own head has these perfect ideals that I must strive towards, but that never apply to anyone else. I think our voices may be talking to each other 😉

        I can’t recall if the bed crinkled. I don’t believe so as that would have irritated me and we had one on the floor right next to my side of the bed for Frankie.

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  3. Love that kitty, hate the idea of surgery. Any normal person would be stressed by that!! All I can say is that you are cared about, even by those who have never met you. Hugs sent your way.

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    1. I keep offering to send you Zoe. I’m sure she’d enjoy living up there in the great northwest. And she’d provide you with all kinds of opportunities to practice basic first aid skills.

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  4. I wish I could drive you to surgery and home. But I would probably end up making you laugh on the way home and that is not good (actually, I can be very funny in person – sometimes unintentionally!). Your dad has no idea of the hundreds of ways you adjust your life to make things seem normal for him. Bless you, Zazzy. It all matters. Keep us posted on the surgery.

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    1. I never thought of it that way Hannah. I suppose I do a lot of small things to make his life more normal – though a lot of them are to make my life less stressful.

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  5. Finally catching up on your blog and I see there is a lot to catch up on. You are so hard on yourself, dear Zazzy! You give so much to so many people (and cats), you are more than due some generosity towards yourself. And a new haircut, and new clothes, and whatever new thing you haven’t been doing for yourself because you aren’t sure you deserve it — you do. ❤ Good wishes for the surgery, and for every new day that *will* come after every night.

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    1. I’ve been thinking a lot about this. The idea of deserving it has been on my mind for a while — and no, I still haven’t gotten my hair cut. I did buy some new clothes but I don’t want to buy a lot.

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