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I know that food is something I used in the past to comfort myself, I made some really unhealthy things that tasted great. I think some foods still are comfort foods for me, but I also know that I have had a strong sugar addiction, it will physically hurt me when I get too much sugar or other carbs into my system, it sets of jitters/trembles/random hard jerking of muscles and other bad things, also tends to set my emotions into turmoil, and this is after I had decided that this sugary thing was an allowed reward, so I am not actually beating myself up about it, but my body does a fine job of making me suffer for choosing to deviate. I don’t believe it is good to beat oneself up for stuff anyway. I also know that when bad things find their way home, and I have a slight down swing in mood it becomes a huge challenge not to eat one of those things. That is why I tried to clear out most bad things when I started this diet, threw the bad things out, that removes the temptation to use them, and yes I know I am pretty strict all or nothing, but I have my reasons.

You know I don’t believe in the all or nothing thing – but I know that may work best for you. Have you meditated on what it is you really want when you deviate from your plan? Are you trying to meet a hunger that is not a part of your body? Are you beating yourself up afterwards?

Eve, what a busy and tough time you’re having. And I can see that it has to be an especially hard time to try and take care of yourself. What can we do to lift you up a little?

I know we share some food issues and I know I turn to food for comfort when stressed – I’m not sure I have a whole lot better coping skills for the really tough times. Mom has just left for the hospital with a possible heart attack – though it’s looking less possible at the moment – and I’ll be headed down there as soon as I wake up a little bit more. And what I want to do is eat eat eat. But I know that’s not going to make me feel better either emotionally or physically.

Otherwise, in Chez Zaz, I made a decision that late night eating was just not an option and it’s been easier to let go the past couple days. Not that it will probably ever be a completely easy issue but maybe I’ve turned the corner for now.

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As for myself… big long babbling post follows:

The past week has not been quite as exercise intense as I would have hoped, but it has been sufficient as I got out and about, and that scores higher on the achievement scale than the exercise machine does.

I seem to be having some weak pollen allergy resurgence, but nowhere near as bad as it used to be for me. It is slowing me down a bit, but I should be able to cope with it and get back on track soon.

As for food goals, I do know what works best for me when I achieve it as far as feeling good and losing weight is concerned, but it is not always convenient or fun to eat that way, and I am trying to find a good balance, one that I can actually keep doing without starting to dislike the food plan.

I do still have these annoying urges though, wanting to eat some pasta since I used to like that in the past, wanting pizza and wanting to have orange juice, but those are way too high carb for me and cause bad side effects, usually I get cold symptoms and increased joint and stomach pain when I have deviated from my food plan too much. Also they tend to cause all remaining carbohydrate cravings to become nearly impossible to resist, I know the mechanism behind it, but that does not help me resist.

It would be good if I could figure out how to further reduce carbohydrate intake while maintaining protein intake and increasing fat intake, as that would accelerate my metabolic rate, but that does take quite a bit of planning and work to get done.

Most of my present carbohydrates comes from the half or so liter of 40% fat cream I consume every day, and the coffee it is in, and then probably tomatoes and onions are high carbohydrate things I eat (relatively speaking) so might be good if I could adjust those down a bit.

I recall coconut fat helped me some to lose weight, makes my body burning hot for a while when I use it, but it is not easy to use in foods. But I am not really in a rush there anyway, and am making slow but steady progress, and I think that is the kind of progress that is more stable.

I have already come quite a long way when it comes to foods, not long ago I consumed 2kg of pure white sugar each week, and then more sugar from juice, pop, candy and other sources, and other carbs from other sources, nearly all of those sources of carbs are now gone from my diet, so it has had a huge effect on my health.

I have also in that time changed my foods mostly over to organic/natural/ecological foods, and I think that has helped my health too, with less pesticides and such entering my body. I also try to avoid food additives, since several of those do have adverse effects on me.

It is quite shocking to me how little I have to eat these days to be sated, it is as if I have removed all the bulky stuff, the potatoes, rice and pasta and such, and then reduced what was left after that a little and still that makes me feel sated for a whole lot longer than all that food did in the past… it is weird.

Still I do deviate, and eat things I should not, and each time I do my body reminds me why I should not, by feeling very sick, but for some strange reason I still deviate from my food plan.

I don’t quite get what is going on there, but it would be good if I could avoid doing that, as much as possible.

I am just not sure how to state that in a coherent small and achievable goal.